Outside In (2018): Seeing Someone As They Are
An uplifting scene about seeing people we’re attracted to “as they are” instead of who we want them to be
Scene Lift is a shared space for connecting with the spirit of uplifting movie scenes. After reading this reflection, feel free to join me in the comments where I relate the spirit of this scene from Outside In to my own life.
Outside In is a movie about a relationship between a convicted felon and his high school teacher who proved his innocence and got him released. The film begins with him being released after spending 20 years in jail for a crime he did not commit.
While incarcerated, his high school teacher is the only person who supports him. Everyone else mostly abandons him. We even learn that his brother who he stays with after being released only visited him a few times in jail.
During his time in jail, his teacher falls in love with him and he falls in love with her. It’s not a sexually driven love, but a deep love you develop for someone who you share an intimate experience with. In this case, the experience of enduring an injustice over the course of two decades.
When they finally meet each other on the outside again, it’s hard to contain themselves to a simple hug after going through so much together. But she has a husband and a daughter. It’s not the picture perfect family, but it’s one she wants to honor.
It’s a challenging experience but one she navigates as best as anyone could hope to. They both make mistakes, but what’s revealed is the possibility to love someone you’re deeply connected with as a dear friend rather than a romantic lover.
The teacher realizes this at the end of the movie when she asks if he wants to start fresh and get to know each other outside of the bubble they shared over the past twenty years. This way, they can see each other as they truly are.
In the final scene, after dust from some drama has settled, she asks a wise question:
“Would you wanna see if we can get to know each other as we are now?”
To get to know someone as they are now. This is a powerful concept. For him, this means releasing the idea of being with her in a romantic way. For her, this means releasing the idea that she still owes him something and must continue to carry on the connection they shared inside their bubble.
Even if you meet someone you’re attracted to for the first time, getting to know them as they are is challenging. For example, if you’re single and looking for a partner, your initial instinct might be to make someone attractive fit the mold of what you want while missing out on who they actually are. Instead of seeing them, you see the potential partner.
This is an example of illusion. When I used to hear that word “illusion” from spiritual teachers I always thought of the movie The Matrix and how this world is not real. But now I see that this world is very real. It’s merely thoughts of “what is wanted” rather than “what is” that get in the way of that realness. In this case, seeing who I want to see instead of who someone really is.
Who is in front of you? Are you seeing them as who they really are now?
I’d never heard of this movie but enjoyed the clip very much. Thanks for introducing me to it!
When I’m attracted to a woman and have a connection with her, my instinct is to pursue romance. Does she like me? Should I kiss her? Will this work out? Where will it go from here? These questions get in the way of me seeing the person in front of me.
In the movie, he completely ignores the fact that a married woman with a child is in front of him. His selfish desires put their friendship in jeopardy and inflict pain on her and her family. He also misses the fact that they’re on different pages: she wants to start a new, exciting life and he wants to have a quiet, simple life. In other words, they are entirely incompatible as lovers.
Sometimes I find myself rushing to find a partner, but I realize that there is no rush. Seeing people as they are is what matters most. From this, the best relationship will follow, whether that’s a friendship or partnership. I don’t want my desires to get in the way of what the best one is.