The Holdovers (2023): The Poetic Insults of Paul Hunham
Uplift your simple, ugly insults with words like "reprobate" and expressions of frustration with phrases like "Christ on a crutch".
One of the movies I’ve rewatched most in recent years is The King (2019) about King Henry V and his feud with The Dauphin of France. In one scene, the dauphin says to the king: “Please, speak English. I enjoy to speak English. It is simple and ugly.”
I expect that some French still believe this to be true of English, especially American English, void of that lovely British charm. Regardless, this simple and ugly language can be quite captivating. The spoken English of Paul Hunham, a character created by screenwriter David Hemingson and played by Paul Giamatti in The Holdovers (2023), is an excellent example of this.
To improve your vocabulary of put-downs and reminisce on the best of the curmudgeonly professor’s insults toward his students and other characters in the movie, relevant scenes and screenplay snippets are featured in this post — along with definitions of the ugliest, most beautiful of words in Paul’s arsenal of English.
Note: To watch The Holdovers scenes in this post, it’s easiest to buy or rent the movie on YouTube. This way, when you click the “Watch scene” links below, you’ll arrive at the scenes in a high quality, certified version of the movie. This approach best supports the movie’s creators and allows you to ”bookmark” your favorite scenes. If you’ve already purchased The Holdovers on a different platform, you can connect it to YouTube with Movies Anywhere. Enjoy!
“Philistines. Lazy, vulgar, rancid little Philistines.”
If Paul lived in Whoville, he might use this word to describe the Grinch… if he wasn’t already the Grinch himself. It’s also an appropriate insult for anyone in your life who destroys beautiful things or doesn’t seek to understand them.
INT. FACULTY RESIDENCE - PAUL’S ROOM - DAY
A narrow room, blue with smoke and crowded with books. Classical music on the radio. Out the window, snow continues to fall.
PAUL HUNHAM, a heap of rumpled corduroy, grades exams at his desk, pipe wedged between his teeth.
PAUL
Philistines. Lazy, vulgar, rancid little Philistines.
Exhausted by the mediocrity, Paul drops his pencil and lights his pipe. As he glances at a whiskey bottle, we see that one eye veers dramatically to the left.philistine (n.): a person who is hostile or indifferent to culture and the arts, or who has no understanding of them.
“Oh yes. I know a couple of these reprobates.”
According to the definition, reprobate is used humorously or affectionately, making it appropriate for use toward children. You might say “time for dinner you reprobates” or “what’s that reprobate been up to” when inquiring about the neighborhood ruffian.
INT. HEADMASTER’S OFFICE - DAY
Paul stands before an acre of desk. DR. HARDY WOODRUP, late 40s, sits writing a list and smoking. His wardrobe may be Brooks Bros, but his beard says 1970.
Woodrup finishes writing and hands over a LIST. Paul swivels his head to read it.
DR. WOODRUP
There will be just four boys holding over this year.
PAUL
Oh yes. I know a couple of these reprobates.reprobate (n.): an unprincipled person (often used humorously or affectionately).
“That boy is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot. A genuine troglodyte.”
In the movie, we learn that Paul gave the son of a senator a failing grade, shortly after the senator made a donation for renovating the school’s gym. Paul’s reason? The boy was no smarter than a caveman. In other, more poetic words, a troglodyte.
INT. HEADMASTER’S OFFICE - DAY
PAUL
Hardy, are we supposed to let these boys skate by as long as daddy builds a new gymnasium?
DR. WOODRUP
Of course not. That’s not who we are. But we can’t be ignorant of politics.
PAUL
That boy is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot. A genuine troglodyte.troglodyte (n.): (especially in prehistoric times) a person who lived in a cave; a hermit; a person who is regarded as being deliberately ignorant or old-fashioned.
“All right, you fetid layabouts. It’s daylight in the swamp. Arise!”
When I first watched the movie, I thought Paul called the boys fetid “larabouts” but that’s not actually a word. Layabouts, synonymous with loafer or sluggard, makes more sense. But it’s ironic that Paul, afflicted with trimethylaminuria which gives him a fishy odor, calls the boys students smelly.
INT. INFIRMARY - MORNING
Paul enters, stares at the sleeping boys, then BANGS BEDPANS.
PAUL
All right, you fetid layabouts. It’s daylight in the swamp.
The boys groan themselves awake.
PAUL (CONT’D)
Arise!fetid (adj.): smelling extremely unpleasant.
layabout (n.): a person who habitually does little or no work.
“Listen, you hormonal vulgarian, that woman deserves your respect, not your erotic speculation.”
If a young douchebag wins the lottery, inherits money from a trust fund, or comes to fortune through some other chance or undeserved means, this is a good one to have in your backpocket.
INT. THE WINNING TICKET - EVENING
Miss Crane smiles and exits. Paul watches her go. Angus grins.
ANGUS
Ouch. You two have chemistry.
PAUL
That’s the Percodan talking.
ANGUS
Seeing her like this, I think she’s pretty attractive.
PAUL
Listen, you hormonal vulgarian, that woman deserves your respect, not your erotic speculation.
ANGUS
May I at least go to the bathroom? Sir?
PAUL
You mean the payphone.
They stare at each other. Angus peels off to the bathroom. Miss Crane returns.vulgarian (n.): an unrefined person, especially one with newly acquired power or wealth.
“Christ on a crutch, what kind of fascist hash foundry are you running here?”
Taking the lord’s name in vain with “goddam” or “jesus christ” is pretty played out. Instead, stand out with this blasphemy. With luck, it will become as popular as Paul Giamatti’s other famous outburst in Sideways (2004), also directed by Alexander Payne: “I am not drinking fucking merlot!”
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A WAITER at a nearby table sets fire to a chafing dish. A YOUNG COUPLE marvels at the spectacle.
ANGUS
What’s that?
WAITRESS
That’s our signature dessert. Cherries jubilee.
ANGUS
That sounds great.
PAUL
Bring the young vandal here cherries jubilee.
WAITRESS
I’m afraid I can’t. The dish contains brandy. Same deal with the bananas foster.
MARY
But all the alcohol burns off, right?
WAITRESS
It’s still against the rules, ma’am.
PAUL
Fine. I’ll order the cherries jubilee. We can share it.
WAITRESS
I can’t allow that either.
MARY
What if it’s his birthday?
ANGUS
It’s my birthday.
WAITRESS
Happy birthday, young man. Let’s get you a slice of cake or some other age-appropriate dessert.
PAUL
Christ on a crutch, what kind of fascist hash foundry are you running here?Christ on a crutch: According to this forum thread, the idiom was used by the actor James Coburn in the movie Hard Times (1975) and is a “southernism” that elderly men use.
Fascist hash foundry: It appears this phrase was first used in The Holdovers and implies that the hard-ruled (fascist) restaurant can do no better than mass producing low quality food (hash) like a foundry mass produces metal.
“Welcome back, you snarling Visigoths.”
When your dog or child is acting more like a feral beast, this provides you with an opportunity to have some fun with it: “Calm thyself, you snarling Visigoth.”
INT. PAUL’S CLASSROOM - DAY
Angus and the rest await the start of class. Kountze is terribly sunburned except for the outline of his goggles.
CROCKER
Hey Kountze: does it still hurt?
KOUNTZE
Fuck yeah, it hurts. Glare off the slopes, man. Burned me to a crisp.
(off Angus’s laugh)
You think it’s funny, Tully?
ANGUS
No, man. I’m just glad you had a good vacation.
PAUL (sweeping in)
Welcome back, you snarling Visigoths. I trust you all enjoyed a refreshing holiday.
(noticing)
Oh, hello, Mr. Kountze. Or should I say Icarus? Fly a little too close to the sun, did we?Visigoth (n.): a member of the branch of the Goths who invaded the Roman Empire between the 3rd and 5th centuries AD and ruled much of Spain until overthrown by the Moors in 711.
In addition to providing me with poetic replacements for insults like “dumbass” and “entitled prick,” The Holdovers has given me another title to add to my list of annual Christmas-time viewings, up there with The Santa Clause (1994), Home Alone (1990), and Die Hard (1988).
Alas, a smart drama to add into the mix! I look forward to viewing it next December, the December after that, and the last December of my life.
Thank you, Alexander Payne, and to the entire cast and crew.
Alea iacta est!